INCESSANT.
I BEGAN TALKING AT AN INCREDIBLY YOUNG AGE.
I MET NO STRANGER, GREETING EVERY PASSERBY WITH AN EMPHATIC, “HI!” EVERY CHANCE I HAD.
I VALUED CONVERSATION FROM THE START, AND IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN A WAY I ENJOY CONNECTING WITH OTHERS.
FOR ME, COMMUNICATION BRINGS WITH IT A SENSE OF BELONGING AND VALUE FOR ALL INVOLVED. IT IS A GATEWAY TO INVESTING IN OTHERS’ LIVES.
CONVERSATION HAS ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT MORE THAN WORDS FOR ME; IT IS A WAY TO HONOR PEOPLE’S WORTH.
HOWEVER, NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO YAP AS MUCH AS I DO, AND NOT ALL ENVIRONMENTS ARE CONDUCIVE FOR CONVERSATION.
TAKE MRS. MCCLURKIN’S 1ST GRADE CLASSROOM FOR EXAMPLE:
IT WAS 1995, AND I WAS COMING TO THE (PAINFUL) REALIZATION THAT MY WORDS NEEDED LIMITS.
EVERY 9 WEEKS, I WAS (EXCITEDLY!) SENT HOME WITH “A” HONOR ROLL AND (SADLY) A BIG, BOLD “I” FOR “INCESSANT TALKING”.
I’LL NEVER FORGET THE FEELING I HAD. AS A PERFECTIONIST, KNOWING I’D FAILED MY TEACHER DIDN’T SIT WELL WITH ME. I COULD HAVE MADE AN “A” IN 300 SUBJECTS, BUT THAT ONE “I” MEANT I’D MISSED THE MARK SOMEWHERE.
EVENTUALLY, WITH MUCH GRACE AND PATIENCE FROM MY PARENTS AND MRS. MCCLURKIN, I REALIZED A HEALTHY LEARNING ENVIRONMENT FOR ALL REQUIRED I SAY LESS AND LISTEN MORE.
WHILE THAT “I” WAS EXACTLY THE ACCOUNTABILITY I NEEDED AS A YOUNG STUDENT, I AM ALSO REALIZING THAT FROM IT, I ALLOWED MANY DEEP-ROOTED INSECURITIES TO FESTER AND GROW.
I REMEMBER LEARNING AS A YOUNG CHILD THE DEFINITION OF INCESSANT: UNPLEASANT, CONTINUING WITHOUT PAUSE OR INTERRUPTION…
AND THUS BEGAN AN INNER BATTLE.
I HAVE TAKEN TIME TO REFLECT ON THE ORIGINS OF MY INSECURITIES OVER THE LAST MANY YEARS, AND THAT BRIGHT RED “I” WELCOMED A WORLD OF INADEQUACIES FOR A 6 YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL WHO ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
AGAIN, THAT “I” WAS THE ACCOUNTABILITY I NEEDED. I DO NOT FAULT MY SWEET (AND VERY LOVED!) FIRST GRADE TEACHER FOR HOLDING ME ACCOUNTABLE. I WOULD WANT THE EXACT SAME FOR MY OWN CHILDREN TODAY.
ACCOUNTABILITY IS THE ONLY WAY WE LEARN, GROW, AND EVENTUALLY THRIVE.
BUT, HEAR ME OUT…
…WE CAN TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY AND CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM ONE OF TWO WAYS:
1) WE CAN EMBRACE IT AND MAKE THE CHANGES NECESSARY WITHOUT LETTING IT DEFINE US OR
2) WE CAN LOOK AT IT AS AN ATTACK OR AS CONDEMNATION AND ALLOW THE ENEMY TO FEED US LIES ABOUT OURSELVES; THUS, NOT CHANGING FOR THE BETTER, BUT ACTUALLY REGRESSING.
WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS THIS: I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO DIFFERENTIATE THE BEHAVIORAL REPORT FROM WHAT I BELIEVED ABOUT MY IDENTITY.
EVEN AT 6 YEARS OLD…
TO ME, THAT “I” WAS MORE THAN JUST A WAY TO COMMUNICATE TO MY FAMILY I NEEDED A LITTLE GUIDANCE IN KNOWING HOW TO ACT IN THE CLASSROOM; IT BECAME A PART OF ME.
SLOWLY BUT SURELY, 9 WEEKS-AFTER-9 WEEKS, I BEGAN TO BELIEVE
I WAS INCESSANT.
UNPLEASANT.
NEVER-STOPPING.
OBNOXIOUS.
DISPLEASING.
ANYONE THAT KNOWS ME PERSONALLY MAY HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME UNDERSTANDING THIS.
FOR SOMEONE WHO WAS CONSTANTLY PERFORMING, REPRESENTING, AND LEADING, I TRULY LACKED CONFIDENCE.
I DIDN’T REALLY FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH MYSELF UNLESS I WAS DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT ALL THE TIME OR ACHIEVING ANOTHER ACCOLADE.
BUT…THE OLDER I GET, THE MORE I REALIZE MY SELF-DRIVENNESS TO SUCCEED WAS A COPING MECHANISM FOR HANDLING INADEQUACY AND INSECURITIES.
IF I COULD JUST PROVE MYSELF TO MYSELF, I COULD BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF.
A CONSTANT SEE-SAW OF “TOO MUCH” OR “NOT ENOUGH”…THIS HAS BEEN THE CONUNDRUM OF MY LIFE.
AND WHY?
I’M STILL UNSURE.
I WAS BLESSED WITH INCREDIBLE PARENTS AND FAMILY AND FRIENDS. I WAS IMMENSELY LOVED!
I KNEW JESUS AT A YOUNG AGE AND WAS WASHED IN HIS TRUTH.
BUT A PRESSURE FROM WITHIN DROVE MY PERFECTIONISTIC WAYS, AND THE ENEMY KNEW…SO HE USED ANYTHING.
EVEN A BRIGHT, BOLD, “I” IN FIRST GRADE.
HE USED MANY OTHER THINGS, TOO.
AND HE STILL TRIES.
EVERY DAY.
IN FACT, IT’S BAFFLING TO ME THAT AS AN ADULT I CAN STILL FEEL SO INCREDIBLY INADEQUATE. I KNOW EXACTLY WHO I AM SERVING AND FOR WHOM I LIVE, YET THE OPPOSER WANTS TO KEEP ME BOUND BY INSECURITY.
AND ISN’T THAT WHAT HE WANTS? FOR GOD’S CHILDREN TO STAY SLAVES TO SIN…
BUT JESUS OFFERS FREEDOM!
AND THIS IS ONE REASON I WANT TO SHARE MY STORY WITH OTHERS.
IRONICALLY, I AM FEELING VERY INSECURE ABOUT SAYING, “HI…I’M AVAILABLE TO SPEAK ABOUT WHAT JESUS HAS TAUGHT AND IS TEACHING ME”.
HONESTLY, IT FEELS A BIT LIKE SELF-PROMOTION EVEN THOUGH MY HEART’S DESIRE IS TO SIMPLY BRING THE GOSPEL TO OTHERS…
…BUT HERE I AM, TRYING MY BEST TO NOT WORRY ABOUT HOW I AM PERCEIVED AND REST IN KNOWING JESUS KNOWS MY HEART.
I FEEL THE FATHER IS REMINDING ME THAT NOTHING IS WASTED WITH JESUS - NOT EVEN THOSE UNWELCOME, RED-INKED “I”'S BACK IN 1995.
